This is a post about testicles, as you may have surmised from the title. The term “testicular action” arose during a family vacation to Yellowstone National Park about ten years ago. Mr. Stuck coined the phrase when the boys noticed the stark difference between the momma bison and daddy bison. It has been in use in this household as a palatable euphemism ever since, especially in mixed company. Rest assured, I will handle the subject with care.
I raised two sons…past tense because I’m sure they absorbed just about all they possibly can of my motherly wisdom, and what hasn’t killed them made them stronger, or something. I tell you this because it has changed what I know about testicles, ten fold. I am outnumbered by them, and they influenced everything around me. In partial and humorous acknowledgment of that fact, some years back I bought Mr. Stuck a set of Bulls Balls (R), a molded plastic reproduction of your choice of either a human or bull scrotum that is meant to be mounted at the rear of your vehicle. (Great Christmas gift idea, by the way.)
I thought they were funny as hell (still do), and they prompted quite a number of comments and finger-pointing over the years. Eventually they either fell off or were stolen, so I may have to replace them with the 2nd generation style. My sense of humor. Anyway.
You may already know that I have two Chihuahuas in the house: Bo, the Epileptic Chihuahua, and Camo. Camo we got as a puppy a few months before we got Bo. Camo is a handsome devil and he knows it; he is also a tyrant and a hormonal teenager. He terrorizes Bo constantly. Bo was fixed long before he came to live with us, and he’s always on drugs, so he pays Camo no mind unless he’s near his food. Lately, Camo has been ‘overly attentive’ to Bo, leading us to again discuss (with vehemence) having him neutered. (Unlike our other pets, Camo was never fixed, because friends had expressed interest in him siring pups with their dogs.)
Which brings me to this: Neuticles, Testicular Implantation for Pets. Yes, you read that right. I thought Mr. Stuck was pulling my leg when he mentioned it. I had to look it up for myself. Sure enough, over half a million pets have been ‘Neuticled’ since 1995. Heck, they even have the below photo of the abundantly breast-tacular Kim Kardashian and her beloved Rocky as testimonial to how wonderful they are.
You can get a whole range of sizes, from jelly bean on up to real bull. No, I am not going to get Camo implants. To me, that’s money better spent elsewhere, and ridiculous, besides. But apparently it is perfectly reasonable for 500,000 other folks out there who may never have had their pet’s procedure done without implants.
To be fair, the company sells ear-stiffening implants and eye implants for pets, as well. I never realized there was a market for any of these things.
Shows what I know.